Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year’s Resolutions II: Electric Boogaloo

New Year’s Resolutions 2016:

1. Read and Memorize all the works of Shakespeare. Be able to quote key verses at will, especially during faculty meetings, awkward dinner parties, and while buying groceries at Whole Foods. ( So when the Portland native cashier says , “How’s YOUR day going?” I’ll reply “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.” Hmm, maybe “ It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves” is more appropriate….)

2. Memorize every song, tune or piece of music written between 1600 and 2016. (Actually, I’m going to make it easier on myself and just start at composers of the Baroque Era. I mean, If I’m leaving out Josquin De Prez, then I might as well leave out Constantijn Huygens, I mean, let’s be real, people!)
What? You Don't know any Constantijn Huygens tunes? Ok Let's play a blues....

3. Teach my 6 year old son and 1 year old son Latin, Greek, Spanish, German, Italian, Mandarin Chinese, Turkish, Urdu, Finnish, and Hungarian.
( Note to self: Teach myself Latin, Greek, Spanish, German, Italian, Mandarin Chinese, Turkish, Urdu, Finnish, and Hungarian.)

4. Get back into stand up comedy; maybe warm up with a few Portland open mikes, then schedule a tour of stadiums in North America, and then record my own one hour HBO comedy special by the end of 2016. Should be able to check that one off pretty quick….

5. Develop a 12 octave vocal range. I just bought renowned vocal coach Ingmar Hugenot’s 14 DVD series entitled “ How to Develop a 12 Octave Vocal Range in 13 Weeks.” The vocal warm-ups are a little odd; one of them involved sticking my head in a preheated oven….

6. Exercise: this is important because I think I need to balance cardio with strength training as well as flexibility. I’m determined to stick religiously to 7 cardio sessions a week, 8 weight training sessions a week, as well as two 90 minute yoga sessions a day every day. Since I belong to 24 Fitness, they will probably let me sleep in the men’s locker room.

7. I need to purify my diet. I think a no sugar, no salt, no fat, no meat, no fish, no dairy, no carb, no protein, no fructose, no gluten, no wheat, no calorie, no cholesterol, no soy, no nuts, no poultry, no starch, no yin, no yang, no fiber, no kosher, no halal, no frozen, no imported, no cooked, no raw, no sliced, no diced, no refrigerated, no spicy, no non- organic, no genetically modified, no flavor, and no pleasure diet would probably work wonders.

8. Find time for a second viewing of the cinematic treasures of our time, such as Dirty Dancing, Top
This won some Oscars, right?
Gun, Jaws 3, Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, and of course Plan 9 from Outer Space.

9. Figure out a solution to homelessness in America. Also, figure out how to use that solution to make an enormous profit.

10. OK, I’ll admit that last year, one of my resolutions was to solve the Israeli- Palestinian conflict And I’ll admit that I fell short on that one. Hey, I’m only human! You can’t win them all! I mean, clearly, the middle east is moving in a positive direction, and things are getting better, of course. With a little patience, and the power of positive thinking, I think that by this time next year, everything in the Middle East is going to be A-OK!

Happy New Year, everybody!

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